4. Silent assumptions underneath the ANTS

4. Silent assumptions underneath the ANTS:

If you pay attention to your ANTS, you will invariably see certain patterns or themes.  Cognitive therapists use several terms to describe these patterns: “schemas,” “silent assumptions,” “core beliefs,” and “self-defeating attitudes.”  We might not be aware of these attitudes until someone points them out to us.  For example, a person with social anxiety might be harboring the idea that “Everyone one must like me, and it’s horrible if they don’t.”  As long as he holds on to that idea, he will continue to be plagued by his social anxiety.  However, if he can challenge this silent assumption and replace it with “I would prefer if people like me, but it’s Ok if some don’t,” he will feel a lot better.  In my next few postings, I will be describing some common self-defeating attitudes. 

 “Things must turn out the way I want.”  It is natural to want things your way, but when you think that they must, you are setting yourself up for frustration.  There are things we can control and things we can’t, so we can’t always expect things to go our way.  A secret of happiness is to be able to adapt to difficult situations.  A healthier perspective would be, “I will do what I can to make things turn out my way, but I will adapt if they don’t.” 

“People should meet my expectations.”  Much of our anger and hurt feelings come from expecting someone to behave the way we want.  If you expect a friend to remember your birthday, you will be hurt if she doesn’t.  If you expect that your spouse should always listen to you attentively, you will be angry when he doesn’t. It is natural to have expectations, but we are wise to not hold on to them lightly.  I find it best to focus on my behavior.  Am I treating people honorably?  Am I expressing my wishes clearly and respectfully?  If so, then that is all I can do.  I cannot control what someone else does. 

“It’s always my fault.”  It is always wise to take responsibility for our actions.  It does no good to blame other people or outside influences (e.g. the economy) for our problems.  However, neither is it helpful to heap criticism on ourselves when things turn out badly.  A hallmark of maturity is the ability to recognize our part in the problem, learn from our mistakes, and do our best to accept the consequences.  Having done that, do we really need to berate ourselves? 

“It’s never my fault, it’s always your (their) fault.”  Some people cannot tolerate any criticism and will deflect it in any way possible.  This sensitivity to criticism may stem from other self-defeating attitudes such as “It is awful to be criticized,” or “Any criticism at all means that I am inadequate.”  When we hold these beliefs, we come off as arrogant and we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to honestly look at ourselves and learn from our mistakes.