“I can’t stand this.” “This is awful.” “I wouldn’t be able to stand it if…” All of these phrases suggest a perceived inability (or willingness) to endure anything that might be difficult, challenging or troubling. A person says he will “go crazy” if he doesn’t have anything to do. Someone else says it is “awful” to be rejected or to be alone. We all wish that life was always rosy, but it just isn’t. Things happen that are inconvenient, unfortunate, disappointing, embarrassing, or frustrating. Yet, very few things happen that we can’t adapt to, bounce back from, or even grow from. Yes, we do our best to prevent bad things from happening, but it’s rarely the end of the world if they do.
“I have to please everybody else. It is awful to be disliked or rejected:” Have you ever noticed that even though you didn’t like a particular person, you still wanted them to like you? Some of us will go to any length to avoid the disapproval of others. This includes a kind of “all or none thinking,” which says “If they dislike anything about me, they dislike me completely.” With this mindset, any social situation becomes a performance in which we try to control the thoughts of others. But how much control do we really have over the thoughts of others? This self-defeating attitude is at the core of most social anxiety. Sometimes, a person with this mindset will grow tired of this way of thinking, and will switch to the opposite extreme: “Other people be damned! I don’t care what they think!” This sounds very confident and brave, but people with this attitude come off as arrogant and abrasive and may suffer just as much as those who try too hard to please others. I think that balance is called for here. Yes, it’s better to be liked and accepted, but it is not the end of the world if we aren’t. We can choose to treat others with kindness and courtesy, and take our chances with how they feel about us.
“Other people are all critical and judgmental:” This self-defeating attitude often accompanies the one immediately above, and is at the core of most social anxiety. So, even though we falsely believe that it is essential to please others, it is very unlikely we will. No wonder we’re anxious! Are there critical and judgmental people in the world? Of course. But is it helpful to assume that everyone is that way? Again, it’s best to assume people are neutral until we can clear evidence otherwise.
“I have to control my thoughts. Bad thoughts make me a bad person!” This is a kind of mental and emotional perfectionism. The truth is that thoughts come and go and it’s very unlikely we can completely control our thinking process. We can only control how we respond to our thoughts. Likewise, even the most morally upright people have negative thoughts. Trying too hard not to think something almost guaranties that we will think it. Yes, our thoughts are important, but no one thought defines who we are.
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