5. More Self-Defeating Attitudes

5. More self-defeating attitudes:

We have learned that our ANTS emerge from certain underlying self-defeating attitudes of which we might be unaware.  Here are a few more: 

“People are against me.” I hear this all the time.  “My boss has it in for me.”  “No one in the church talks to me.”  “The teacher picks on me.”  In almost any social setting, they see themselves as being discriminated against.  They feel that they are the victim or scapegoat.  They can cite examples to support their belief, but they do not notice anything good that happens to them.  Of course, there can sometimes be some truth to their perceptions, but it is often their own negative attitude that has led to their being disliked.   A wise person once told me, “People don’t do things against you; they do them for themselves.”  I find it useful to assume that people are at least neutral toward me until I have clear evidence to the contrary.  If I have clear evidence that someone doesn’t like me, I will consider my options.  Should I try to change their perception or can I accept their negative opinion? 

“Any failure is a sign of my inadequacy.” Any worthwhile endeavor involves some element of risk.  In spite of our best efforts, we might fail to reach our goal.  Some people believe that any failure is so shameful that they don’t want to try anything if there is any chance of failures.  They use this fear of failure as an excuse not to try anything worthwhile.  Many dreams are never fulfilled because the fear of failure got in the way.

“I’m not as good as other people.”  “I don’t measure up.”  Although it is only natural to compare ourselves to others, this habit is the source of much of our misery.  We look around and notice that others seem smarter, richer, or more attractive.  This leads to envy, resentment, and low self-esteem.  Rather than comparing yourself to others, I advocate making the best use of the talents, qualities, and good fortune that have been given to you.  You are not in a race or contest with anyone else.  You have your own life path to follow.  Follow it and don’t concern yourself with what others are doing. 

“I must not feel anxious.”  “I cannot tolerate any anxiety.”  It is normal to feel some anxiety when confronted with a difficult situation.  Sometimes moderate anxiety is even a good thing, because it means we are taking on a new challenge.  However, some people have become so afraid of anxiety that they will go to great lengths to avoid or suppress it.  Unfortunately, this just serves to make the anxiety worse and causes people to miss out on life.  If you can accept and even embrace your anxiety, your life will be richer and fuller.  The paradox is that one of the best ways to reduce your anxiety is to be willing to have it.