7. The three core biases of anxiety

7. The three core biases of anxiety. 

As we have seen, our distress is largely caused by how we are thinking about any situation.  The most common ANT in anxiety is “fortune telling.”  That is, without always being aware of it, we are predicting that something bad will happen.  It is always helpful to try to identify the negative outcome that we are dreading.  When we do that, we will often find that we are allowing our thinking to be distorted by one or more of the following three mental biases: 

1. We might be overestimating the likelihood that the bad thing will happen.  The outcome we dread might be a very unlikely event, but we are reacting as if it was absolutely certain to happen.  “The doctor is going to tell me that I have an incurable disease.”  “The elevator will get stuck.”  “The boss will berate me if I ask for a raise.”   We can become so focused on the possible negative outcome that we fail to see that more neutral or even positive outcomes might be more likely.   If we cannot be absolutely certain that the bad outcome will not occur, we assume that it definitely will occur. 

2. If the bad outcome occurs, we might be overestimating the consequences.  Yes, bad things happen, but we might be exaggerating the extent of their negative impact.   We might be telling ourselves that something that is merely unfortunate, troubling or inconvenient will be “awful,” “unbearable” or “a catastrophe.”  Illnesses can be treated.  There is nothing inherently dangerous about a stuck elevator.  Getting berated by the boss is unpleasant but it happens to people all the time and they don’t die. 

3. If the bad outcome occurs, we might be underestimating our ability to cope.  When we are anxious, we seem to forget that we have skills, experiences, resources, and support systems that can help us cope.  If we have a serious illness, we can seek medical care.  If the elevator gets stuck, we can occupy the mind until help arrives.  If the boss berates us, we can handle it calmly and express our own thoughts and feelings appropriately.  We are all endowed with the ability to think things through, seek support if necessary, and engage in active problem solving.  Human beings can be very resilient and can bounce back from almost any untoward circumstance. 

6. Still more self-defeating attitudes

6.  Still more self-defeating attitudes:

“I can’t stand this.”  “This is awful.”  “I wouldn’t be able to stand it if…”  All of these phrases suggest a perceived inability (or willingness) to endure anything that might be difficult, challenging or troubling.  A person says he will “go crazy” if he doesn’t have anything to do.  Someone else says it is “awful” to be rejected or to be alone.  We all wish that life was always rosy, but it just isn’t.  Things happen that are inconvenient, unfortunate, disappointing, embarrassing, or frustrating.  Yet, very few things happen that we can’t adapt to, bounce back from, or even grow from.   Yes, we do our best to prevent bad things from happening, but it’s rarely the end of the world if they do. 

“I have to please everybody else.  It is awful to be disliked or rejected:” Have you ever noticed that even though you didn’t like a particular person, you still wanted them to like you?  Some of us will go to any length to avoid the disapproval of others.  This includes a kind of “all or none thinking,” which says “If they dislike anything about me, they dislike me completely.”   With this mindset, any social situation becomes a performance in which we try to control the thoughts of others.  But how much control do we really have over the thoughts of others?  This self-defeating attitude is at the core of most social anxiety.  Sometimes, a person with this mindset will grow tired of this way of thinking, and will switch to the opposite extreme: “Other people be damned!  I don’t care what they think!”  This sounds very confident and brave, but people with this attitude come off as arrogant and abrasive and may suffer just as much as those who try too hard to please others.  I think that balance is called for here.  Yes, it’s better to be liked and accepted, but it is not the end of the world if we aren’t.  We can choose to treat others with kindness and courtesy, and take our chances with how they feel about us.   

“Other people are all critical and judgmental:” This self-defeating attitude often accompanies the one immediately above, and is at the core of most social anxiety.  So, even though we falsely believe that it is essential to please others, it is very unlikely we will.  No wonder we’re anxious! Are there critical and judgmental people in the world?  Of course.  But is it helpful to assume that everyone is that way?  Again, it’s best to assume people are neutral until we can clear evidence otherwise. 

“I have to control my thoughts.  Bad thoughts make me a bad person!”  This is a kind of mental and emotional perfectionism. The truth is that thoughts come and go and it’s very unlikely we can completely control our thinking process. We  can only control how we respond to our thoughts.  Likewise, even the most morally upright people have negative thoughts.  Trying too hard not to think something almost guaranties that we will think it.  Yes, our thoughts are important, but no one thought defines who we are. 

5. More Self-Defeating Attitudes

5. More self-defeating attitudes:

We have learned that our ANTS emerge from certain underlying self-defeating attitudes of which we might be unaware.  Here are a few more: 

“People are against me.” I hear this all the time.  “My boss has it in for me.”  “No one in the church talks to me.”  “The teacher picks on me.”  In almost any social setting, they see themselves as being discriminated against.  They feel that they are the victim or scapegoat.  They can cite examples to support their belief, but they do not notice anything good that happens to them.  Of course, there can sometimes be some truth to their perceptions, but it is often their own negative attitude that has led to their being disliked.   A wise person once told me, “People don’t do things against you; they do them for themselves.”  I find it useful to assume that people are at least neutral toward me until I have clear evidence to the contrary.  If I have clear evidence that someone doesn’t like me, I will consider my options.  Should I try to change their perception or can I accept their negative opinion? 

“Any failure is a sign of my inadequacy.” Any worthwhile endeavor involves some element of risk.  In spite of our best efforts, we might fail to reach our goal.  Some people believe that any failure is so shameful that they don’t want to try anything if there is any chance of failures.  They use this fear of failure as an excuse not to try anything worthwhile.  Many dreams are never fulfilled because the fear of failure got in the way.

“I’m not as good as other people.”  “I don’t measure up.”  Although it is only natural to compare ourselves to others, this habit is the source of much of our misery.  We look around and notice that others seem smarter, richer, or more attractive.  This leads to envy, resentment, and low self-esteem.  Rather than comparing yourself to others, I advocate making the best use of the talents, qualities, and good fortune that have been given to you.  You are not in a race or contest with anyone else.  You have your own life path to follow.  Follow it and don’t concern yourself with what others are doing. 

“I must not feel anxious.”  “I cannot tolerate any anxiety.”  It is normal to feel some anxiety when confronted with a difficult situation.  Sometimes moderate anxiety is even a good thing, because it means we are taking on a new challenge.  However, some people have become so afraid of anxiety that they will go to great lengths to avoid or suppress it.  Unfortunately, this just serves to make the anxiety worse and causes people to miss out on life.  If you can accept and even embrace your anxiety, your life will be richer and fuller.  The paradox is that one of the best ways to reduce your anxiety is to be willing to have it. 

4. Silent assumptions underneath the ANTS

4. Silent assumptions underneath the ANTS:

If you pay attention to your ANTS, you will invariably see certain patterns or themes.  Cognitive therapists use several terms to describe these patterns: “schemas,” “silent assumptions,” “core beliefs,” and “self-defeating attitudes.”  We might not be aware of these attitudes until someone points them out to us.  For example, a person with social anxiety might be harboring the idea that “Everyone one must like me, and it’s horrible if they don’t.”  As long as he holds on to that idea, he will continue to be plagued by his social anxiety.  However, if he can challenge this silent assumption and replace it with “I would prefer if people like me, but it’s Ok if some don’t,” he will feel a lot better.  In my next few postings, I will be describing some common self-defeating attitudes. 

 “Things must turn out the way I want.”  It is natural to want things your way, but when you think that they must, you are setting yourself up for frustration.  There are things we can control and things we can’t, so we can’t always expect things to go our way.  A secret of happiness is to be able to adapt to difficult situations.  A healthier perspective would be, “I will do what I can to make things turn out my way, but I will adapt if they don’t.” 

“People should meet my expectations.”  Much of our anger and hurt feelings come from expecting someone to behave the way we want.  If you expect a friend to remember your birthday, you will be hurt if she doesn’t.  If you expect that your spouse should always listen to you attentively, you will be angry when he doesn’t. It is natural to have expectations, but we are wise to not hold on to them lightly.  I find it best to focus on my behavior.  Am I treating people honorably?  Am I expressing my wishes clearly and respectfully?  If so, then that is all I can do.  I cannot control what someone else does. 

“It’s always my fault.”  It is always wise to take responsibility for our actions.  It does no good to blame other people or outside influences (e.g. the economy) for our problems.  However, neither is it helpful to heap criticism on ourselves when things turn out badly.  A hallmark of maturity is the ability to recognize our part in the problem, learn from our mistakes, and do our best to accept the consequences.  Having done that, do we really need to berate ourselves? 

“It’s never my fault, it’s always your (their) fault.”  Some people cannot tolerate any criticism and will deflect it in any way possible.  This sensitivity to criticism may stem from other self-defeating attitudes such as “It is awful to be criticized,” or “Any criticism at all means that I am inadequate.”  When we hold these beliefs, we come off as arrogant and we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to honestly look at ourselves and learn from our mistakes.